2004-08-21 - 6:36 a.m.
I was too tired and frazzled last night to bother dealing with a diary entry. I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and in a pretty good mood, so maybe I can talk about what happened without completely falling apart.
Yesterday was Paul's payday and as always, it was a stressful day. It's always a question of whether or not we're going to have enough from his check to cover all the bills, buy gas, groceries and other household stuff. Turns out that we had enough for our bills, but we're going to be eating a lot of ramen noodles for the next two weeks.
Anyways, Paul didn't get home until close to 3, though he was supposed to get off at 2. We took off and worked our way downtown to pay the water, stopping along the way to pay the cable, electric, the car insurance. All of that went fairly smooth.
I forgot to ask Paul to pick up a couple of money orders so we could mail off the home owners insurance and the trash bill. We stopped at Check n Go because I thought for sure that they would sell money orders. I ran in and they were packed.
As I was waiting in line, I noticed that a girl I used to go to school was the manager of the store. We weren't friends, but we knew each other. I was in the back of the line just kind of staring off in to space when a guy I used to go to school with came in. I guess that they're either married, or dating seriously because he brought her in the most gorgeous roses I've seen in a long time.
That set off some serious pity feelings within me. I think it just came down to me being very jealous that there's other men out there that think enough of their women to bring them flowers just because. The barb went in a little deeper when she said "He hasn't brought me flowers in a couple weeks, I've been wondering what was going on."
I know that different men show their love in different ways, but I can't remember the last time Paul thought enough of me to do something spontaneous and sweet.
That was bad enough, but when I got up to the front, I found out that they don't do money orders there. Danielle says "Hey! I remember you!.....What happened to you?!" and points at my face. I was mortified and the way she said it made me feel like she was thouroughly disgusted at what she saw.
I went back out to the van and just cried. Paul kept asking me what was wrong and when I told him he didn't say a single fucking word. He didn't comfort me, he didn't hug me, nothing. He just sat there as I drove over to Albertson's. He asked if I wanted him to come in with me and I told him that it would probably be cooler in the store. I got out of the van and he just sat there. I looked at him questioningly and he says "You didn't give me a yes or no so I'm just staying here."
My emotions were so raw that I just ignored him and walked off. Everything went downhill after that. I asked him what he wanted to eat for dinner and that turned in to an "I don't know" argument that lasted for two hours in the Safeway parking lot.
I know that he loves me, and I know he cares about me, but sometimes I feel like he purposely stresses me out and makes me feel like crap just for his own amusement. I'm sorry, but if anyone I knew had had their feelings hurt like I had earlier that day, I would have done just about anything to make them feel better. Him being my husband made me feel like he should feel obligated to make me feel better. When I asked him why he hadn't said anything when I told him what had happened, he told me that he figured that it was better that he keep his mouth shut because anything he would have said would have been wrong.
::sigh::
Do you see what my dilemna is?
I love him so much, I would do anything for him (and have!) I just wish that he would realize that I need him to be more understanding than he is. Any time I've got a problem and I tell him, he puts a dozen holes in the way I'm feeling and acts like I'm stupid for feeling that way.
Anyways, that's what I dealt with yesterday. I was originally going to go over to Hammie's house after I'd gotten some of the bills paid, but I was so emotionally broken I couldn't deal with being around anyone. I came home, took a shower and went to bed, hence why I'm up this early.
I'm praying to whatever God is willing to listen that today is a good day. I'm home, and I can relax and just putter around.
I've been having a lot of jaw pain and I'm wondering what's going on. Every time I close my mouth all the way, it's painful in the jaw area on my right side. I think I might be trying to grind my teeth in my sleep. I used to have a problem doing that, and it might be coming back. I don't know, but it hurts.
I'm just rambling now. I think I'm going to go get a cup of coffee and watch This Old House.
